You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
