I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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