If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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