How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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