i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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