The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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