Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
