mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
