i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
