i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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