she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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