She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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