my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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