i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
