ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
