My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
