Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
