non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
