So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
