The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I will be naked everywhere
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
