They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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