life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
