I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
