I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So many bounce houses so little time
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
