I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
