Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
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I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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