stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So vagazzling was a success
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
