its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
