i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
