based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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