Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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