And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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