you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
