I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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