I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
that may or may not have been my penis.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
