I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
