i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
