And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
