last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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