I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
