Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
