If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
