Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
