Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
