I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
