when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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