I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
