How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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