i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
