we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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