I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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