Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
