She's JV to your varsity
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
