i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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