I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
