the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
