And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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