have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
