If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
