oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I need to sanitize my soul.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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