i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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