that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
